Category Archives: Humor

“Some Assembly Required”– The Most Terrifying Words Ever Written


Introduction by Bob Aronson

Story by Bob Huck

This is a humor column.   While normally we delve into those topics that are of great interest to the donation/transplantation community once in a while we take a break to have some fun.  This story is one with which we can all relate because there’s not a one of us that hasn’t been in a similar situation.  Perhaps not quite as dramatic but similar nonetheless.

Bob Huck and I were adversaries before we became friends.  Total opposites, we began our relationship on Facebook arguing political philosophy.  Two men could not be more different in their politics.  One day, though, we found common ground.  I won’t go into detail but from that discovery came others until it was obvious there was much to discuss and much upon which we agreed.  We set our differences aside and concentrated on developing a friendship and it worked.

Bob Huck is a fascinating man with a background rich in human experience.  His narrative here is dedicated to those who have had to assemble something for their kids and I guess that’s most of us.  “So easy a child can put it together” is a commonly used phrase.  Commonly used but inaccurate. 

When you read the words, “Some assembly required” It usually means you must reinvent the wheel and you can be guaranteed that the directions were translated from a foreign language by someone who does not speak yours. “Insert part B as seen on Illustration C and also on B14 in book 2” are common instructions that boggle the mind.  I’ll go no farther.  Here’s Bob Huck to tell you his story about assembling a simple kit for his kids.  One more note.  Bob is now fully recovered from the experience.

THE FLAT BOX  A Narrative Case History From The ICU

intensive careThe following tragic case history was dictated from the patient’s bed in an anonymous hospital intensive care unit. It has been recorded as a patient interview and except for the more profound interruptions, outlined in the parenthetical notes herein; most of the routine interruptions have been excluded as the patient’s voice was faltering and weak at best. He alternated frequently between extreme agitation and short bouts of catatonia throughout the interview process. Also, the patient would occasionally issue sounds rather than words. In such instances the sounds have been added as accurately as possible to the text in an effort to reflect the level of stress the patient was suffering at the time.

The following is the chronology of events as dictated by the patient. The interview was conducted over a period of several weeks as serious relapses followed by extended recovery periods were common.

Day One, The Morning

sunshiny morning“It was a bright Saturday morning. It started in a routine way. A quiet breakfast on the deck after sleeping in, a coffee and newspapersecond cup of coffee read the morning paper and plan for the day. Things like grass cutting, gutter cleaning and gardening were in my mind. It was a sunny day, the birds were singing, the air had the fresh smell of new summer flowers and I was looking forward to some pleasant time in the sun without much brain power required. All was well, really well.”

“My pleasant mood didn’t last.”

“About 9:30 or so there was an almost ominous knock at the door. (On hindsight I could swear I heard chains dragging across the front porch.)”

“The sound it made was a slow klunk… klunk… klunk…. I looked out the living room window on my way to the front door and noticed that the birds had stopped singing and the small, wild animals were all running for cover. The dog hid, the cat’s tail fluffed out, some of the fish floated to the top of the aquarium and the canary molted as I went toward the front door.”

“I opened the door.”

death two“There was a tall, pale boney person dressed in a long, hooded black cape framed in my front door and staring at me, not speaking. All could see of his face were those deep set, haunted eyes of someone too accustomed to witnessing horror.”

“The sun went behind a cloud.”

“I thought at first it was a Halloween promotion, but it was only June. man with blackboxThen I wondered who at the office was playing a practical joke. These fleeting, almost half thoughts, were interrupted when the person slowly reached out with both pale, bony hands and handed me a large flat box marked ‘1 of 25’.”

“He remained silent expect for his labored breathing which produced a profound groaning sound.”

boxes“I looked past the figure to the porch and sure enough there were twenty-four more large flat boxes. It was then thhearse and black horsesat I saw the caped person kind of glide away and drive slowly off in a hearse driven by four black horses.”

“The boxes contained the combination swing set, jungle gym and trampoline I had ordered for the kids from a home shopping television show. The large flat box I held in my hands, number 1 of 25, contained the instructions for putting it all together. The “Made in Madagascar” label was one of my first clues that this was not going to be a fun thing, at least for me.”

“I checked my liquor supply.”

two more bottles of gin“The two quarts of gin in my closet seemed to be more that enough, especially if I had to invite the neighbors to help me. And I had all weekend to build the thing so I thought I was in good shape.”

“Then I opened box 1 of 25.

(Note: There was a significant pause here as the patient seemed to blank out for several minutes – apparently the memory of this initial shock was too much. The dialogue continued after the bed was cleaned up and the drool was wiped off his face. It should be noted also that following most of these noted interruptions the patient’s voice was almost inaudible so some words may have been missed. We will never know for sure.)

“There were five very big volumes. Each wrapped very tightly in an overabundance of heavy gauge shrink big thick bookswrap and industrial strength duct tape and each labeled in a different language: one for English, one for French, one for German, one for Chinese and one for a language yet to be determined by the linguists at the United Nations. The so called English version was a 375 page volume entitled ‘Instructions for Assembly.’ Each flimsy page was printed in a 4 point font and single spaced. Small illustrations with strange markings and Greek lettering with metric dimensions attacked my senses.”

“I checked the liquor supply again.”

directions“The first 15 pages where on 17 by 22 inch foldouts printed on very flimsy paper. These pages contained the parts list, a lot of which was obscured by the folds in the flimsy paper. I took my first drink – well, it was approaching noon.”

(Note: The interview was stopped here as the patient began screaming and crying hysterically and the alarms on his medical monitoring units were all declaring an emergency. We were able to continue following the CPR and the injections to his heart.)

Day One, The Afternoon

“Where was I? Oh yeah, the gin exploded nicely and I felt a warm comfort. ‘After all, I have two engineering degrees, how hard could this be?’ I told myself in an effort to cover the terrible feeling of foreboding and pending doom which I could not seem to shake. But I knew I had to go on. I would not be defeated by a bunch of foreigners with a primitive printing press!”

“I began an intense study of the parts list. I noticed that there were picturesparts of each part. Most of the pictures were very small and blurred or smeared or where obscured by the folds in the flimsy paper so that similar parts looked the same. The distinction between metal screws and small bolts was blurred on the paper (as it turns out that was the easy part) so was the number of required individual parts. It seems that the printer had missed all but a few segments of the column listing how many of each part was to be in the kit.”

forklift with boxes“After a while I took a break. The eye strain was too much so I put the instructions away and started carrying the boxes, on a rented forklift, to my very large garage, which doubles as an indoor basketball court. I figured I could spread the parts out on the floor and try to match the parts to the instructions. It seemed like a good plan at the time.”

(Note: The patient started to become agitated here so the interview was interrupted briefly until his hyperventilation subsided.)

“I opened each box of the remaining twenty-four and found bags of screws, packages oplastic bags of washers, nuts, boltsf nuts and bolts, odd looking clamps, just plain weird looking washer like things   packaged in what looked like some kind of animal skin, assorted wooden and plastic pegs, large folded templates made of more flimsy paper, springs of all sizes and configurations (round, strange toolscoiled, flat, oblong and very long ones,) wheels, gears, cable clamps, assorted hairy little bugs that had invaded the packaging and a lot of strange looking items which I later determined to be tools – ‘tools of hell’ as I learned called them.”

“During the next few hours I unpacked 693 packages and 113 odd tools of hell.”

“After that I ran to the liquor cabinet and took a long pull straight from my gin bottle. It didn’t seem to have any impact on my strong desire to scream and cry. I considered taking a fist full of valium too but had been warned about mixing booze and valium so I restrained the urge and stuck to booze.”

“Now I had 693 packages and 113 odd tools of hell scattered in little man amidst boxes

\piles around my indoor basketball court.”

“I stepped back and suddenly to my horror I realized that I had not noted which box the packages came from!”

“Gack!”

(Note: The patient was able to continue after the seizure subsided.)

“Gasp, pant – I’m okay now. As I was to find out later this package, box and tool thing was critical.”

“I made an excuse to my wife and skipped dinner and went back to my instruction book to try to recover from my error. I was too nauseated to eat anyway.”

Day One, Late Evening

“During the next hours I struggled to match package to box and tool to box. At 9:30 or so I had matched 568 packages to boxes and had not yet started on the tools from hell.”

“My wife looked in on me and said she was a little worried about me. I told her it would just be a little while longer. I think she went to bed about midnight.”

“The burning in my stomach told me it was time for another drink. I needed the nourishment. full glass of ginThis time I did not fool around. I found a 12 ounce drinking glass, filled it with gin and gulped it down. That seemed to stop the uncontrolled facial tics and severe full body twitching but did not help the incredible feeling of panic that had descended on me. But I was ready to rejoin the fight. The primitives would not win! Wheeze.”

(Note: The patient became winded trying to raise his clenched fist into the air above his bed in a show of defiance. The interview continued after his brief bought with projectile vomiting and the hospital staff had applied restraints.)

“Finally, at 1:45 AM after much frantic searching, reading decoding and just wild guessing I had matched the packages to the boxes. But I seemed to have lost one package. No amount of searching helped. No amount of hopeful recounting helped. I felt like I was living in that horrible instant just before the head on collision! I felt I was now truly doomed.”

man sleeping on boxes“So, I did the only thing that made sense to me at the time, I finished the first quart of gin and passed out in a heap on top of my pile of packages. I must have slept for a few hours before the nightmares woke me up.”

 Day Two, Early Morning

 “It was 3:30 in the morning when I awakened, wiped the now dried drool from my unshaven face and staggered to my feet. I needed to finish matching the tools of hell to the boxes. I was driven.”

“My wife looked in on me again a little later to tell me that the neighbors had called to complain about all the loud swearing and banging noises coming from my garage. It was, after all, only 5:30 in the morning. I promised to mumble instead of scream and to place rather than throw the boxes and parts. I knew in my heart of hearts that while I would try, this was a hollow promise.”

more strange tools“I had my first real victory at 7:54 AM on day two. I had finished matching the tools of hell to their respective boxes. I tried to dance around in small victory circle but tripped over package number 58 of 89 from box number 12 of 25. I think it was then that I crushed the nerves at C-6 in my spine. My hands went numb and I was in pain. I took a fist full of aspirin (and a healthy slug from bottle of gin number 2 of 2) and in no time I felt like I was on the way to victory. I was told later that the internal bleeding would eventually be controllable.”

“I stepped back to survey and savor my victory. I felt a sharp burning pain huge screwas I was impaled by a large metal screw which penetrated my foot. Within an hour the flesh around the wound turned black, started to stink and show signs of necrosis. It had been one of those parts wrapped in the strange animal skin. So, I poured some gin on it, wrapped it with a greasy rag and continued my study of the plans.”

(Note: The patient interrupted the interview here and complained of pain in his now missing foot.)

“It was three hours later that I attempted the first step of the assembly process. Again, I experienced maximum chaos.”

placing screw in holeI had screw 13 1/2B12-3i from package 12 of 34 in box 2 of 25 as shown on page 2, paragraph xxiv, of the instructions in one shaking hand and a small fernoodledink as shown on page 2, paragraph xxiii in the other shaking hand. My hands seemed to shake even more wildly as I tried to insert the screw into the fernoodledink using the tool from hell shown on one of the large the foldout sheets. My hand slipped and screw 13 1/2B12-3i skittered across the floor into a crevice near a pile of packages. It was then that I experienced my first serious crying incident – there were to be many more. I removed the fernoodledink from my abdomen with one to the tools from hell, stuffed an old rag into the wound and began searching for the screw. It was an hour later when I realized victory again. I had found the screw. My second attempt at inserting the screw into the fernoodledink worked. Again, I danced, that is limped, around in a little victory circle. I was on fire to continue the challenge.”

(Note: There was a faint smile on the patient’s face as he recounted this part of his story. The interviewer was not to see further smiling incidents.)

“It was early afternoon of day two and I knew the gin would not last and that I would not finish this assembly before Monday morning in time to go to work. So I took a break,everclear left a message on the office answering machine – I noticed that my voice sounded like I was sobbing, but I paid no attention – and went to the liquor store for more gin and a little Everclear for backup.”

“The clerk noticed the blood trail I left on the floor. It seems the necrosis on my foot was a little more advanced than I thought. He covered his nose and averted his eyes in an effort to control the gagging noises he was making.”

car in bushes“When I returned to my driveway I was going a little too fast and drove across my newly landscaped lawn, ran over some bushes and crushed my new sprinkler system before skidding to a stop at or near the garage door – I think I heard a crashing noise. I opened the Everclear while I was still sitting in the car and took a long deep drink from the bottle. This time there was real pain in my stomach but I kept it down. I found two slightly soggy, semi-crushed and moldy cheese crackers wedged into the bottom of the glove box and ate them – I needed the nourishment. I was ready to go again. The pain from my abdominal wound subsided but my hands were still numb.”

(Note: The patient began to loose track of time here. He was not really certain about this time frame. The interviewer has estimated the chronology from here on.)

Day Two, Afternoon

“After some foggy looking around I found the next step in the  complex directions instructions package. It was the same old story: hysterical crying followed by a two hour search through the packages and tools from box 2 of 25. The crying stopped when I found metal screw (or was a bolt?) number 1265-76Aix C and tool from hell 45 of 113. My next victory seemed almost hollow. I had found the gizmogazelschpatzen which connected to the fernoodledink using screw number 1265-76Aix C and tool from hell 45 of 113.”

“As I pushed the gazelschpatzen gently into the fernoodledink I noticed that more force was required. So I pushed harder. Nothing happened. I put the assembly in a vice and nothing happened. I tried a bigger vice, same result. I then rigged up a 10 ton hydraulic jack to push the gazelschpatzen into the fernoodledink using screw number 1265-76Aix C and tool from hell 45 of 113. I thought I heard it snap into place just before the whole assembly exploded violently into lots of shrapnel. I was crying again, as I removed screw number 1265-76Aix C from deep in my left eye. It was a good thing it was not my right eye. I am right eye dominant you know.”

man with eye bandage“By now my screams had become high pitched, rasping gasps so nobody heard me as I used an old tire patch and some crazy glue to fix my left eye.”

“I began to loose track of time about here in the process. I think I passed out sometime during the late evening.”

 

Sometime Later

“As I came around for the first time I remember seeing the EMT through aparamedics attecn man kind of out of focus haze and hearing my wife sobbing in the background while they treated my more immediate hemorrhaging. I noticed a shoe on the floor with a foot in it. I wondered whose it was. I recall fighting the EMT’s to the point where they had to apply restraints. I did not want to go the hospital. I wanted to finish the job! I had to beat the primitives! Gurgle.”

man with head injuryMy last conscious recollection after being loaded in the ambulance was hearing an EMT screaming into his microphone over the siren noise, ‘I’ve got a Flat Box Syndrome, in shock, suffering blood lose, alcohol poisoning, and serious necrosis. He is not able to respond to oral commands and appears to have no feeling from C-6 downward and is blind in his left eye from a wound I have never seen before. His remaining pupil is dilated and not responsive. I can’t seem to remove a variety of strange tools which have penetrated his upper trunk in several locations. He also appears hazmat teamto be suffering from starvation and scurvy. We’re going to need the entire emergency room team to pull this one out! Also send a hazmat team. The cleanup here is going to take a long time, be sure to include biohazard suits! Better alert the terrorism units too!’ Funny how I remember those details so clearly from my out-of-body experience.”

 

Sometime Even Later

(Note: Nobody is sure how long the patient was unconscious after he passed out and before he was discovered. His wife thought he had left town on a business trip so the best we can estimate is that he was lying in the wreckage for about 3 days before the stench of rotting flesh attracted a neighbor’s attention.)

“Tghost at foot of bedhe next thing I remember is struggling to recover from the coma. It was as if everything was happening in slow motion. I was doing pretty well but then the memories came back and the nightmares began: the figure at my door on that Saturday morning seemed to be standing at the foot of my hospital bed beckoning me to come with him; large, ugly volumes of instructions were falling out of the sky and crushing me under a huge pile of paper; small fernoodledinks were swarming over me and a giant gazelschpatzen boiled up out of the ground and attacked me. It was horrible!”

“Sob!”

(Note: The excessive screaming brought the orderly and the session was stopped briefly while the restraints were tightened.)

“Whimper, then one day as I was coming out of it again I heard a doctor say,black boxes ‘Poor soul. Another flat box case. That’s 231 this month alone. We must do something about this flat box thing! Oh! Will the inhumanity never end? Get my senator and congressman on the phone. Call 60 Minutes. Call Ralph Nader and the ACLU. Get some truly horrid, stomach wrenching, vivid red and yellow color photos for publication on the Flat Box Syndrome website. It’s time to take action!’”

“I struggled mightily for the next several weeks to recover. I joined a flat box recovery group and shared my story with other victims. I even sponsored another victim for a while. I faced my fears and actually touched one of the tools of hell recovered as part of the clean up effort at my garage. It helped that I was blind in one eye and could not feel what I was touching.”

“I have a message for America. I am begging you! Please record this! It is a matter of national security!”

(Note: The interviewer, along with several internationally recognized medical reviewers, has become convinced that the Flat Box Syndrome is indeed cause for international alarm and needs to be brought forward as a social issue on a par with any other life threatening disease or potential terrorist attack. Therefore, the following was recorded exactly as dictated by the patient and may have been his last conscious expression.)

“People of the world, think before you – wretch, gasp – open thedeath door of your home to dark figure in a black, hooded – wheeze – cape carrying one or more flat boxes! America awaken! Everyone – choke – is vulnerable to this – gag – horrible plague! Don’t let – gurgle – it happen to you!”

 (Note: The patient lost consciousness again and was rushed into surgery.)

 This is a true story. It was recorded for posterity and to give warning as well as to protect the innocent.

-0-

Bob Huck – Bio

Bob Huck graduated from the Pennsylvania State University and conducted post graduate studies at Dartmouth College.

He has now retired from his career as a civil engineer (although he claims the civil part to come into question from time to time.) His career spanned most of the geography of North America and some of South America. But his specialty and passion was arctic engineering and remote site construction which kept him living and busy in Alaska beginning in 1963 and ending in 2000.

 He has written two books. “Alaska Letters” was written in 2013 and is a compilation of stories from his adventures in the arctic. And in 2011 he wrote  “Winnifred Mason Huck, Member 67th Congress 1922-1923; Prisoner #1558 1925” The latter is the biography of his grandmother who was the third woman to be elected to Congress, the first mother to be elected and the first woman to preside over either house of Congress.

 He has now settled down in Charlotte, North Carolina and when it snows there on rare occasions he threatens to move to the desert. And when he is not threatening to move to the desert he enjoys golf and writes things.

 -0-

Bob informal 3Bob Aronson is a 2007 heart transplant recipient, the founder and primary author of the blogs on this site and the founder of Facebook’s over 3,000 member Organ Transplant Initiative group.

Now retired and living in Jacksonville, Florida with his wife Robin he spends his time advocating for patients with end stage diseases and for organ recipients.  He is also active in helping his wife with her art business at art festivals and on her Rockin Robin Prints site on Etsy. 

Bob is a former journalist, Governor’s Communication Director and international communications consultant.

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Laughter Really is the Best Medicine


Compiled by Bob Aronson

laughter is the best medicine

It has been said that laughter is the best medicine. It may not cure what ails you but it sure can offer some much needed relief.

We all need to laugh or at least show a toothy grin once in a while and so I decided to depart from our normal very serious posts to provide a lighter touch.  As far as I know all of these one or two-liners are public domain so enjoy, spread them around and laugh a little. 

I should warn you that this is not your dad’s collection of one-liners —there are a lot of them.  This is one of the best listings you will find.  They range from groaners to belly laughs to falling on the floor funny.

These snapshots of standup comedy were taken from some of the greatest humorists of our time both living and dead.  I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I did finding them.  Brief bios of the comics are from Wikipedia. 

This post was written in Microsoft Word.  The formatting was correct there but  Word and WordPress are not always compatible.  I apologize for unnecessary punctuation and other assorted faults. 

Also, I know some of you are going to say, “You left out so and so.”  Many great humorists were left out because I was searching for one liners only…I did not conduct a search based on individuals or jokes, ethnic groups,  gender, races or religions.

Henny Youngman

Henny YoungmanHenry “Henny” Youngman (original Russian surname Yungman;[1] 16 March 1906 – 24 February 1998) was a British-American comedian and violinist famous for “one-liners“, short, simple jokes usually delivered rapid-fire. His best known one-liner was “Take my wife—please.”

In a time when many comedians told elaborate anecdotes, Youngman’s comedy routine consisted of telling simple one-liner jokes, occasionally with interludes of violin playing. These gags depicted simple, cartoon-like situations, eliminating lengthy build-ups and going straight to the punch line. He was known as the King of the One Liners, a title bestowed upon him by columnist Walter Winchell.

 “I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”

“A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.”

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. ”

“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need. If I die by 4:00.”

“My grandmother is over eighty
and she still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”

“When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)”

“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?”

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”

 

Ellen DeGeneris

Ellen DeGenerisEllen Lee DeGeneres (/dɨˈɛnərəs/; born January 26, 1958) is an American stand-up comedian, television host, and actress. She has hosted the syndicated talk show The Ellen DeGeneres Show since 2003.

As a film actress, she starred in Mr. Wrong, appeared in EDtv and The Love Letter, and provided the voice of Dory in the Disney-Pixar animated film Finding Nemo, for which she was awarded the Saturn Award for Best Supporting Actress, the only time a voice performance has won a Saturn Award. She was a judge on American Idol in its ninth season. DeGeneres has hosted both the Academy Awards and the Primetime Emmys.

She starred in two television sitcoms, Ellen from 1994 to 1998 and The Ellen Show from 2001 to 2002. She has won thirteen Emmys and numerous other awards for her work and charitable efforts.  Ellen says,  “For me, it’s that I contributed, … That I’m on this planet doing some good and making people happy. That’s to me the most important thing, that my hour of television is positive and upbeat and an antidote for all the negative stuff going on in life.”

 

I don’t understand the sizes anymore. There’s a size zero, which I didn’t even know that they had. It must stand for: ‘Ohhh my God, you’re thin.’

 

I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It’s been about two months since I’ve worked out. And I just don’t have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.

 

I was coming home from kindergarten–well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It’s good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

 

I was in yoga the other day. I was in full lotus position. My chakras were all aligned. My mind is cleared of all clatter and I’m looking out of my third eye and everything that I’m supposed to be doing. It’s amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence. ‘Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight, Mama’s got the magic of Clorox 2.’

 

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

 

Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. So procrastinate now, don’t put it off.

 

Sometimes you can’t see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.

 

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

 

The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren’t any space aliens. We can’t be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we’re not all there is. If so, we’re in big trouble.

 

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

 

I don’t need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there’s morning sickness. If I’m going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.

 

I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.

 

Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong – normally you wouldn’t say, thank God I have gas.

 

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was no one on the other line. Once she said “God Bless you” I said, “I didn’t sneeze” She looked deep into my eyes and said, “You will, eventually.” And damn it if she wasn’t right. Two days later I sneezed.

 

The way I see it… If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you’re doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.

 

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me – they’re just, like, ‘I can’t believe you don’t remember me!” I’m like, ‘Oh Dad I’m sorry!’

 

Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney DangerfieldRodney Dangerfield (born Jacob Rodney Cohen, November 22, 1921 – October 5, 2004) was an American comedian and actor, known for the catchphrase “I don’t get no respect!” and his monologues on that theme. He is also remembered for his 1980s film roles, especially in Easy Money, Caddyshack, and Back to School.

At the age of 15, he began to write for standup comedians, and began to perform at the age of 20 under the name Jack Roy.[8] He struggled financially for nine years, at one point performing as a singing waiter until he was fired, and also working as a performing acrobatic diver before giving up show business to take a job selling aluminum siding to support his wife and family. He later said that he was so little known then that “at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit!”

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy… for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, “Did you see the guy that did it?” She said, “No, but I got the license plate.”

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren’t for pick-pocketers, I’d have no sex life at all.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There are so many places they can hide.”

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, “On your mark…”

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint–a Saint Bernard!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?” He said, “Because you came home early.”

I went to see my doctor… Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah…I told him once, “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me? He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him, “If you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion.” He said, “All right. You’re ugly too!”

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look, twins!”

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with!

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell you, I’m not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide.” He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek – she bent over!

I tell you, with my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.” He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.

Groucho Marx

groucho marxJulius Henry “Groucho” Marx (October 2, 1890[1] – August 19, 1977) was an American comedian and film and television star. He is known as a master of quick wit and widely considered one of the best comedians of the modern era.[2] His rapid-fire, often impromptu delivery of innuendo-laden patter earned him many admirers and imitators.

He made 13 feature films with his siblings the Marx Brothers, of whom he was the third-born. He also had a successful solo career, most notably as the host of the radio and television game show You Bet Your Life.[3]

His distinctive appearance, carried over from his days in vaudeville, included quirks such as an exaggerated stooped posture, glasses, cigar, and a thick greasepaint mustache and eyebrows. These exaggerated features resulted in the creation of one of the world’s most ubiquitous and recognizable novelty disguises, known as “Groucho glasses“, a one-piece mask consisting of horn-rimmed glasses, large plastic nose, bushy eyebrows and mustache.[4]

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I have nothing but respect for you …and not much of that.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five!

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend to read it.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy …and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?

Why, I’d horse-whip you… if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

If I held you any closer, I’d be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

(taking someone’s pulse) Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh, you tell me what you know.

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Whatever it is, I’m against it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

Phyllis Diller

Phyllis DillerPhyllis. Diller (July 17, 1917 – August 20, 2012[2]) was an American actress and comedienne known for her eccentric stage persona and her wild hair and clothes.

Early life

Diller was born Phyllis Ada Driver in Lima, Ohio, the only child of Frances Ada (née Romshe; January 12, 1881 – January 26, 1949) and Perry Marcus Driver (June 13, 1862 – August 12, 1948), an insurance agent.[3][4]

Diller was a housewife, mother, and advertising copywriter. During World War II, she lived in Ypsilanti, Michigan while her husband worked at the Willow Run Bomber Plant. In the mid-1950s, she made appearances on The Jack Paar Show and was a contestant on Groucho Marx‘s quiz show You Bet Your Life.[8]

Although she made her career in comedy, Diller had studied the piano for many years. She decided against a career in music after hearing her teachers and mentors play with much more skill than she thought that she would be able to achieve. She still played in her private life, however, and owned a custom-made harpsichord.

Along with Lenny Bruce, Bob Newhart, and Mort Sahl, Diller was part of the so-called “New Wave” comedians who began their careers after WWII and had no connections to vaudeville.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, `Who’d steal it?

I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?

You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.

I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don’t give a damn.

They say housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

My vanity table is a Black & Decker workbench

The only thing domestic about me is I was born in this country

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions

Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don’t give a damn

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Will Rogers

Will RogersWilliam Penn Adair “Will” Rogers (November 4, 1879 – August 15, 1935) was an American cowboy, vaudeville performer, humorist, social commentator and motion picture actor. He was one of the world’s best-known celebrities in the 1920s and 1930s.

Known as “Oklahoma‘s Favorite Son,” [1] Rogers was born to a prominent Cherokee Nation family in Indian Territory (now part of Oklahoma). He traveled around the world three times, made 71 movies (50 silent films and 21 “talkies“),[2] wrote more than 4,000 nationally-syndicated newspaper columns,[3] and became a world-famous figure. By the mid-1930s, Rogers was adored by the American people. He was the leading political wit of the Progressive Era, and was the top-paid Hollywood movie star at the time. Rogers died in 1935 with aviator Wiley Post, when their small airplane crashed in Alaska.[4]

Rogers’ vaudeville rope act led to success in the Ziegfeld Follies, which in turn led to the first of his many movie contracts. His 1920s syndicated newspaper column and his radio appearances increased his visibility and popularity. Rogers crusaded for aviation expansion, and provided Americans with first-hand accounts of his world travels. His earthy anecdotes and folksy style allowed him to poke fun at gangsters, prohibition, politicians, government programs, and a host of other controversial topics in a way that was readily appreciated by a national audience, with no one offended. His aphorisms, couched in humorous terms, were widely quoted: “I am not a member of an organized political party. I am a Democrat.” Another widely quoted Will Rogers comment was “I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

So live that you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

Don’t gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don’t go up, don’t buy it.

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.

If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.

I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat!

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that’s out always looks the best.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

“We can’t all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.”

 

George Burns

George burnsGeorge Burns (January 20, 1896 – March 9, 1996), born Nathan Birnbaum, was an American comedian, actor, and writer.

He was one of the few entertainers whose career successfully spanned vaudeville, film, radio, and television. His arched eyebrow and cigar smoke punctuation became familiar trademarks for over three quarters of a century.

At the age of 79, Burns’ career was resurrected as an amiable, beloved and unusually active old comedian in the 1975 film The Sunshine Boys, for which he won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor. He continued to work until shortly before his death, in 1996, at the age of 100.

Burns quit school in the fourth grade to go into show business full-time. Like many performers of his generation, he tried practically anything he could to entertain, including working with a trained seal, trick roller skating, teaching dance, singing, and adagio dancing in small-time vaudeville. During these years, he began smoking cigars and later in his older years was characteristically known as doing shows and puffing on his cigar.[5]

He adopted the stage name by which he would be known for the rest of his life. He claimed in a few interviews that the idea of the name originated from the fact that two star major league players (George H. Burns and George J. Burns, unrelated) were playing major league baseball at the time. Both men achieved over 2000 major league hits and hold some major league records.

He normally partnered with a girl, sometimes in an adagio dance routine, sometimes comic patter. Though he had an apparent flair for comedy, he never quite clicked with any of his partners, until he met a young Irish Catholic lady in 1923. “And all of a sudden,” he said famously in later years, “the audience realized I had a talent. They were right. I did have a talent—and I was married to her for 38 years.”  Her name was Gracie Allen.

 

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

 

“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.”

 

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

 

I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something.

 

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

 

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.

 

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

 

“A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.”

 

“Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman, or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.”

 

I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it. Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. “

 

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I’m labeled senile.”

 

“Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.”

 

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city.

 

There are two kinds of cruises – pleasure and with children. “

 

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house.”

 

If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.

 

By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.

 

 It’s hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

 

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

 

Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman… or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand.

 

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

 

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

 

Finally…one liners from assorted comics

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house,” – Lewis Grizzard

“The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.” – Jeff Foxworthy

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” – Robin Williams

“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.” Dave Barry

“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.” – Bob Ettinger

“My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.”‘ – Paula Poundstone

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.” – Conan O’Brien

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God…. I could be eating a slow learner.” – Lynda Montgomery

“The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner.” – Roseanne Barr

“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’” – Richard Jeni

“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” -Johnny Carson

“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.” – Paul Rodriguez

“My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?” – Warren Hutcherson

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” – Oscar Wilde

“Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.” -Mae West

“Suppose you were an idiot… And suppose you were a member of Congress…But I repeat myself.” – Mark Twain

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.” – A. Whitney Brown

“Ah, yes, divorce……., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” – Roseanne Barr

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” – Billy Crystal

“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’” -Dave Barry

“We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, ‘You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.’” -Elayne Boosler

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” – George Carlin

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Unknown

-0-

Bob Aronson of Bob’s Newheart is a 2007 heart transplant recipient, the founder of Facebook’s nearly 3,000 member Organ Transplant Initiative and the author of most of these donation/transplantation blogs.

You may comment in the space provided or email your thoughts to me at bob@baronson.org. And – please spread the word about the immediate need for more organ donors. There is nothing you can do that is of greater importance. If you convince one person to be an organ and tissue donor you may save or positively affect over 60 lives. Some of those lives may be people you know and love.

Please view our new music video “Dawn Anita The Gift of Life” on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYFFJoHJwHs.  This video is free to anyone who wants to use it and no permission is needed. 

If you want to spread the word personally about organ donation, we have another PowerPoint slide show for your use free and without permission. Just email me bob@baronson.org and ask for a copy of “Life, Pass it on.”  This is NOT a stand-alone show; it needs a presenter but is professionally produced and factually sound. If you decide to use the show I will send you a free copy of my e-book, “How to Get a Standing “O” that will help you with presentation skills. 

Also…there is more information on this blog site about other donation/transplantation issues. Additionally we would love to have you join our Facebook group, Organ Transplant Initiative The more members we get the greater our clout with decision makers.

The Colonoscopy, One Man’s Perpsective


Both pre and post transplant patients must have colonoscopies as part of their physical examination,  It is a requirement and there’s no avoiding the procedure.  Actually the colonoscopy itself is no big deal because you are sedated when it takes place but the prep…the prep for the event is a major traumatic experience from which few ever fully recover.

I’m sure all of you are familiar with the humor of Dave Barry the Pulitizer Prize winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.   He is one of the funniest writers in the business so please prepare for belly laughs as you read about his colonoscopy experience.

Colonoscopy Journal:

By Dave Barry

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

 

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

 

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

 

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’

 

 

 

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ‘s enemies.

 

 

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began mypreparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

 

 

 

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

 

 

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

 

 

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

 

 

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

 

 

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.. I was very nervous Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

 

 

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

 

 

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

 

 

At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

 

 

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.

 

 

‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me..

‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

 

 

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

 

 

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

 

On the subject of Colonoscopies…
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

  

1. Take it easy Doc.. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’

3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’

4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’

5. ‘You know, in Arkansas , we’re now legally married.’

6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’

7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’

8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’

9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’

10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’

11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’

12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’

 

And the best one of all:
13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’

Bob Aronson of Bob’s Newheart is a 2007 heart transplant recipient, the founder of Facebook’s nearly 2,500 member Organ Transplant Initiative and the author of most of these donation/transplantation blogs.

You may comment in the space provided or email your thoughts to me at bob@baronson.org. And – please spread the word about the immediate need for more organ donors. There is nothing you can do that is of greater importance. If you convince one person to be an organ and tissue donor you may save or positively affect over 60 lives. Some of those lives may be people you know and love.

Please view our new music video “Dawn Anita The Gift of Life” on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYFFJoHJwHs.  This video is free to anyone who wants to use it and no permission is needed. 

If you want to spread the word personally about organ donation, we have another PowerPoint slide show for your use free and without permission. Just go to http://www.organti.org and click on “Life Pass It On” on the left side of the screen and then just follow the directions. This is NOT a stand-alone show; it needs a presenter but is professionally produced and factually sound. If you decide to use the show I will send you a free copy of my e-book, “How to Get a Standing “O” that will help you with presentation skills. Just write to bob@baronson.org and usually you will get a copy the same day.

Also…there is more information on this blog site about other donation/transplantation issues. Additionally we would love to have you join our Facebook group, Organ Transplant Initiative The more members we get the greater our clout with decision makers.

En Espanol

Puede comentar en el espacio proporcionado o por correo electrónico sus pensamientos a mí en bob@baronson.org. Y – por favor, difundir la palabra acerca de la necesidad inmediata de más donantes de órganos. No hay nada que puedas hacer lo que es de mayor importancia. Si usted convence a una persona de ser donante de órganos y tejidos puede salvar o afectar positivamente a más de 60 vidas. Algunas de esas vidas pueden ser personas que conoces y amas.

Por favor, consulte nuestro nuevo video musical “Dawn Anita The Gift of Life” en https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYFFJoHJwHs YouTube. Este video es libre para cualquier persona que quiera usarlo y no se necesita permiso.

Si quieres correr la voz acerca de la donación de órganos personalmente, tenemos otra presentación de PowerPoint para su uso libre y sin permiso. Sólo tienes que ir a http://www.organti.org y haga clic en “Life Pass It On” en el lado izquierdo de la pantalla y luego sólo tienes que seguir las instrucciones. Esto no es un espectáculo independiente, sino que necesita un presentador pero es profesionalmente producida y sonido hechos. Si usted decide usar el programa le enviaré una copia gratuita de mi libro electrónico, “Cómo obtener un pie” O “que le ayudará con habilidades de presentación. Sólo tiene que escribir a bob@baronson.org y por lo general usted recibirá una copia del mismo día.

Además … hay más información sobre este sitio de blogs sobre otros donación / trasplante temas. Además nos encantaría que te unas a nuestro grupo de Facebook, la Iniciativa de Trasplante de Órganos Cuantos más miembros que obtenemos mayor será nuestra influencia con los tomadores de decisiones.

A Funny Bone Transplant


We are nearing the holidays.  Thanksgiving is comming up, followed by Christmas, Las Posadas, Hanukkah , Boxing day, Kwanzaa and the new year, 2013.

It is a time when we should be winding down a littl.  A time when we shrug off the trials and tribulations of the past months and find reason to refelect on the good things in life, those special events and words that make you smile.

In a complete break with the long standing Bob’s Newheart tradition of providing only serious information, I thought that perhaps we could all use a little humor in our lives.  I’m hoping that this list of questions will bring a smile to your face and lighten your step just a bit and if you laugh out loud, that’s even better.  Feel free to share this with anyone on your holiday smile list.

This list of questions was sent to me by a friend.  If I knew who the author was I would certainly give him or her credit.

 

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?   They’re going to see you naked anyway…
Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no one would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?   They’re both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you,   but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up,  examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE………
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

Bob Aronson of Bob’s Newheart is a 2007 heart transplant recipient, the founder of Facebook’s nearly 2,500 member Organ Transplant Initiative and the author of most of these donation/transplantation blogs.

You may comment in the space provided or email your thoughts to me at bob@baronson.org. And – please spread the word about the immediate need for more organ donors. There is nothing you can do that is of greater importance. If you convince one person to be an organ and tissue donor you may save or positively affect over 60 lives. Some of those lives may be people you know and love.

Please view our video “Thank You From the Bottom of my Donor’s heart” on http://www.organti.org This video was produced to promote organ donation so it is free and no permission is needed for its use.

If you want to spread the word personally about organ donation, we have another PowerPoint slide show for your use free and without permission. Just go to http://www.organti.org and click on “Life Pass It On” on the left side of the screen and then just follow the directions. This is NOT a stand-alone show; it needs a presenter but is professionally produced and factually sound. If you decide to use the show I will send you a free copy of my e-book, “How to Get a Standing “O” that will help you with presentation skills. Just write to bob@baronson.org and usually you will get a copy the same day.

Also…there is more information on this blog site about other donation/transplantation issues. Additionally we would love to have you join our Facebook group, Organ Transplant Initiative The more members we get the greater our clout with decision makers.

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